Right, just keeping it light, and passing the time, I'm going to put all the Number 1s of each decade in order of how much I like them. I think I can manage it for 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s, 10s. Might even manage 60s, which probably has the best ones, actually.
I'm starting with the 90s, since those are the ones I know best. But I also think they may be the worst. The Number 1s in the 1990s were generally quite bad, a poor representation of the music in the charts at that time. There were lots of very notable Number 2s - Common People, A Design for Life, Song 2, Born Slippy, Alright, but not so many really classic Number 1s. Plenty of them are wretched.
A problem that may arise is dealing with the Number 1s of proven terrible people - does one ignore them, inevitably put them at the bottom, or treat them as all other Number 1s? A combination, I suppose. I won't be saying Billie Jean is one of the worst Number 1s of the 80s, because it's clearly one of the best, but in the case of the 90s, because the Number 1s by terrible people are usually among the worst anyway, it's not too tricky, though certainly the awfulness makes them worse ...
I won't write at length on every song, if at all.
I'd say I really hate about half of these ... i take a peculiar sense of pride in that.
Rock bottom is ...
207. Oasis - D'You Know What I Mean? ... just a destructively, depressingly awful big comeback single. Clearly not actually the worst, but I hate it so much.... if it was a double-A side, and you counted the great Stay Young, it would, of course, be a very different story.
206. R. Kelly - I Believe I
Can Fly
205. Michael Jackson - You
Are Not Alone. Even at the time, was staggeringly creepy.
204. Puff Daddy and Faith Evans featuring 112 - I'll Be Missing You
203. Take That - Sure. They had a few other stinkers, but this was the stuff of nightmares.
202. Freddie Mercury - Living on My Own. I remember I still loved Queen at this point. I loved Queen alone and only between 1991 and 1993, and this killed that stone dead.
201. Culture Beat - Mr. Vain. The definitively bad early 90s dance hit.
200. Cliff Richard - The Millennium Prayer. May actually be the actual worst song of all time. I'm being generous here.
199. Peter Andre - I Feel You. Insipid.
198. Mr Blobby - Mr Blobby
197. Tony Di Bart - The Real Thing. Inexplicable
196. Westlife - I Have a Dream / Seasons in the Sun. Perhaps this is Westlife's worst because these are actually two quite nice songs, and it showed what damage they could do.
195. Band Aid II - Do They Know It's Christmas?
194. Backstreet Boys - I Want It That Way. A personal loathing. The Trumpiest, golf clubbiest of boybands.
193. Gary Barlow - Forever Love. A staggeringly limp way to launch the much-vaunted solo career.
192. Teletubbies - Teletubbies
say Eh-oh!
191. Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up. Still gives me the creeps.
190. Robson & Jerome - Unchained Melody / White Cliffs of Dover. Their biggest, and worst.
189. Boyzone - A Different Beat
188. Oasis - All Around the World. Pretty similar to the Boyzone song, really.
187. Elton John - Candle in the Wind 1997 / Something About the Way You Look Tonight. A forgivable atrocity. I can't remember if i was there or not, but I'm sure they played it at the end of the night at the St Andrews Student Union disco. Dance to this, you fools.
186. Michael Jackson - Earth Song
185. Wet Wet Wet - Love Is All Around
184. Martine McCutcheon - Perfect Moment
183. Boyzone - When the Going Gets Tough
182. Take That - Everything Changes. Something about how Robbie sang "taxicab is waiting" let me know he'd be my sworn enemy for three decades.
181. Whigfield - Saturday Night
180. Manchester United F.C. - Come On You Reds
179. Take That featuring Lulu - Relight My Fire
178. 911 - A Little Bit More
177. Vengaboys - We're Going to Ibiza!
176. Steps - Heartbeat /
Tragedy
175. Peter Andre - Flava
174. Doop - Doop
173. Aqua - Barbie Girl. I remember a Radio 1 DJ playing this and saying "can you believe, this is the Number 1 in America. Would never be a hit here ..." unwise ...
172. KWS - Please Don't Go. Someone once told me this stood for Kelvin Wanker Sausage. I didn't believe them.
171. Lenny Kravitz - Fly Away. Have remembered how much I loathed this.
170. Westlife - Flying Without Wings
169. Spice Girls - Viva Forever
168. Boyzone - All That I Need
167. The Offspring - Pretty Fly (for a White Guy). What the hell was that?
166. UB40 - (I Can't Help) Falling in Love With You. A wretched version.
165. Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). Weird but not good.
164. Another Level - Freak Me
163. Gina G - Ooh Aah... Just a Little Bit
162. Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe
161. Geri Halliwell - Mi Chico Latino
160. Bombalurina - Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. A generous placing.
159. LL Cool J - Ain't Nobody
158. Spacedust - Gym and Tonic
157. Spice Girls - Mama / Who Do You Think You Are
156. Boyzone - No Matter What
155. B*Witched - To You I Belong
154. The Outhere Brothers - Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)
153. Mariah Carey - Without You. A great singer, a great song. Awful.
152. Spice Girls - Too Much. This is a group that did not, in general, make good records.
151. Boyzone - You Needed Me. Nor this.
150. Robbie Williams - Millennium
149. Spice Girls - Goodbye
148. Vengaboys - Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!!
147. Aqua - Doctor Jones
146. All Saints - Under the Bridge / Lady Marmalade. Their worst. A weird butchering.
145. Eiffel 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee)
144. Westlife - Swear It Again
143. Hale and Pace and the Stonkers - The Stonk. Imagine there being 64 worse than this.
142. Spice Girls - Wannabe
141. Robson & Jerome - What Becomes of the Brokenhearted / Saturday Night at the Movies / You'll Never Walk Alone. I like What Becomes of the Brokenhearted as a song, and i think this was the first time i'd heard it, so, you know, i don't hate this ...
140. New Kids on the Block - Hangin' Tough
139. Run-DMC vs. Jason Nevins - It's Like That. I just did not like this. Though most people did.
138. Jason Donovan - Any Dream Will Do. I'm quite fond of the early JD singles, but this was the end for him.
137. Boyzone - Words
136. Robbie Williams - She's the One / It's Only Us. Nice song you stole there, Robbie ...
135. Mr. Oizo - Flat Beat
134. Simply Red - Fairground
133. B*Witched - Rollercoaster
132. Westlife - If I Let You Go
131. Robson & Jerome - I Believe / Up on the Roof. In truth R and J chose nice songs and didn't desecrate them worse than any wedding singers would.
130. Vic Reeves and The Wonder Stuff - Dizzy. Vic Reeves as a pop singer never worked for me.
129. Ace of Base - All That She Wants
128. Stiltskin - Inside
127. Erasure - Abba-esque (EP). Erasure did so many classic songs, shame this was their only Number 1. If A Little Respect had been a) a Number 1 b) in the 90s, it would be Top 3 in this list ...
126. Ronan Keating - When You Say Nothing at All. Not that bad.
125. Melanie B featuring Missy Elliott - I Want You Back. What a waste of the actual Missy Elliott.
124. Pato Banton featuring Ali and Robin Campbell - Baby Come Back
123. George Michael and Queen with Lisa Stansfield - Five Live (EP). Quite an odd artefact.
122. Prince - The Most
Beautiful Girl in the World
121. Cliff Richard - Saviour's
Day. Weirdly, always thought this was quite a nice tune.
120. Chef - Chocolate Salty Balls (P.S. I Love You)
119. Meat Loaf - I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That). So many weeks.
118. Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On. So many notes.
117. DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince - Boom! Shake the Room
116. Oasis - Some Might Say. Their first Number 1. Not their worst, not their best.
115. The Simpsons - Do the Bartman
114. Take That - How Deep Is Your Love. A damp squib. In the video, they had a fine selection of 90s hair.
113. Michael Jackson - Blood on the Dance Floor. Kind of sounds a bit like good Michael Jackson, but isn't really good Michael Jackson.
112. Right Said Fred - Deeply Dippy. A band that could have left the world thinking of their silly novelty hits fondly, but didn't ...
111. Spice Girls - Say You'll Be There
110. Will Smith - Men in Black
109. Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You. There's a certain kind of song which is monumental and yet, if you'd only heard it a couple of times, you'd think, yeah, that was quite impressive, but because you hear it 200 times, you end up hating it.
108. Deep Blue Something - Breakfast at Tiffany's. I could hate this more, but don't.
107. The Outhere Brothers Boom Boom Boom
106. All Saints - Bootie Call. Not their best.
105. B*Witched - Blame It on the Weatherman
104. S Club 7 - Bring It All Back
103. Gary Barlow - Love Won't Wait. I've heard it said this was Barlow's best solo single, but you know, it's not great ...
102. Cher, Chrissie Hynde and Neneh Cherry with Eric Clapton - Love Can Build a Bridge. Chrissie Hynde's voice elevates anything. In fact, they're three pretty great vocalists, but this is still meh.
101. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby. Historic, but basically quite bad.
100. Shanks & Bigfoot - Sweet
Like Chocolate
99. Madonna - Frozen. There are some really good late 90s/early 2000s Madonna singles, but I don't think this is one of them.
98. Lou Bega - Mambo
No. 5 (A Little Bit Of...)
97. Cher - The Shoop Shoop Song (It's in His Kiss)
96. Spice Girls - 2 Become 1
95. Michael Jackson - Black or White
94. Billie - Girlfriend
93. The Clash - Should I Stay or Should I Go. Not one of my favourite Clash songs, but a pretty good song, in the cold light.
92. Partners in Kryme - Turtle Power
91. Jamiroquai - Deeper Underground
90. Shaggy - Boombastic
89. Eternal featuring BeBe Winans - I Wanna Be the Only One
88. Aqua - Turn Back Time. Funny that Aqua also had a Number 1 with a gentle, wistful ballad.
87. Elton John - Sacrifice / Healing Hands
86. The Bluebells - Young at Heart
85. Chaka Demus & Pliers featuring Jack Radics and Taxi Gang - Twist and Shout. Bit of fun.
84. U2 - Discotheque
83. 2 Unlimited - No Limit. Weirdly fond memories of this.
82. Armand van Helden featuring Duane Harden - You Don't Know Me. This kind of song I have a greater retrospective fondness for than I thought I would.
81. Jimmy Nail - Ain't No Doubt
80. Snap! - Rhythm Is a Dancer. Serious
79. Babylon Zoo - Spaceman. The myth persists that people only liked the speeded up intro and as soon as they heard the rest of it, they hated it ... but it was Number 1 for 4 weeks. That can't be true.
78. Baddiel, Skinner and The Lightning Seeds - 3 Lions '98
77. Baby D - Let Me Be Your Fantasy
76. Snap! - The Power. The lyrical Jesse James.
75. Billie - Because We Want To
74. Olive - You're Not Alone
73. U2 - The Fly. Is ok. U2 were ok around this point, I suppose.
72. George Michael - Jesus to a Child. Quite a lovely, sad, song.
71. Geri Halliwell - Lift Me Up. Had a mad little video with aliens. Actually quite loved it.
70. The Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody. The best version of this very nice song.
69. Enigma - Sadness (Part I)
68. Iron Maiden - Bring Your Daughter... to the Slaughter. I remember going to Our Price, Ealing, with my £10 voucher after Christmas 1990, and they had the full chart written up, and this was Number 1, when Cliff had been the week before, and I felt like I'd entered a parallel world. It's not really a great song, but that was pretty funny.
67. Take That - Pray. Their first Number 1. A pretty good one.
66. B*Witched - C'est la Vie
65. Fugees - Killing Me Softly. Lauryn Hill's voice was always something.
64. Wamdue Project - King of My Castle
63. Tori Amos - Professional Widow (It's Got to Be Big)
62. Cher - Believe
61. Britney Spears - ...Baby One More Time. Never really loved this song like most people did, maybe because it beat Tender to Number 1, maybe because I just didn't love it.
60. Usher - You Make Me Wanna... Usher became a megastar, but I've not really liked anything by him except this.
59. Adamski - Killer
58. Dunblane - Knockin' on Heaven's Door. The thing is, this may be, objectively, not a good record, but I saw it on the old TOTP a few months back, and I remembered that it was only a handful of months after Dunblane, and the emotion was still clearly absolutely raw, wrenching, for the performers. It's also one of the few times Dylan's allowed his lyrics to be altered. A song that was part of Britain becoming a better country, and that is something.
57. Boyz II Men - End of the Road. So hammy.
56. George Michael and Elton John - Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me. As was this, but it gives me joyous memories of my music GCSE classes. School wasn't all awful, there was occasional good messing about ...
55. No Doubt - Don't Speak. Although a classic of sorts, I found it pretty annoying when it was on Friday night TOTP recently.
54. The Chemical Brothers - Setting Sun. Noel Gallagher trying to do Tomorrow Never Knows, wasn't it?
53. Spice Girls - Spice Up Your Life. Their best, I guess. A fun song, admittedly.
52. Five - Keep on Movin'
51. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody / These Are the Days of Our Lives. Although I came to hate Bohemian Rhapsody, irredeemably, I loved it for a while there, and I've never come to hate These are the Days of Our Lives, a rather lovely song.
50. George Michael - Fastlove
49. Livin' Joy - Dreamer
48. ATB - 9 PM (Till I Come). Again, a surprisingly positive and evocative reaction to this.
47. Coolio featuring L.V. - Gangsta's Paradise
46. D:Ream - Things Can Only Get Better. Kind of a nightmare of a song now, but quite good
45. Englandneworder - World in Motion
44. Gabrielle - Dreams
43. Fugees - Ready or Not
42. Maria McKee - Show Me Heaven. Did you know Maria McKee has the half-sister of Bryan McLean who wrote Alone Again Or .... and that she wrote A Good Heart?
41. Ricky Martin - Livin' la Vida Loca
40. Blur - Country House. This is not, as I have said before, a bad song. Roll With It was bad. Country House was annoying, but extremely potent.
39. The Beautiful South - A Little Time
38. Bryan Adams - (Everything I Do) I Do It for You. Again, another song called bad, which is not actually bad.
37. Take That - Never Forget
36. Kylie Minogue - Tears on My Pillow. This started the list at about 150, as it's a cover and a minor Number 1, but I kept on thinking "No, I prefer Tears on My Pillow to that" and it kept rising. Either my sister or I owned the single and we would always be playing it or singing it, and any song that can get an 11 year old boy walking round his house singing "if we could start anew, I would not hesitate, I'd gladly take you back and tempt the hand of fate", to the extent he still remembers those lyrics 35 years later, deserves some recognition. It's a lush song, originally by Little Anthony and the Imperials, who are, of course, namechecked by both Tom Waits and Dexys Midnight Runners.
35. Steve Miller Band - The Joker. I loved this. Again, an 11 year old boy. I just thought it was the coolest. It famously beat Groove is in the Heart by a mere seven sales. If Groove is in the Heart was in the list, it would be Top 3 - a truly great record.
34. Fatboy Slim - Praise You. I used not to like Fatboy Slim, but whereas some 90s cases turn out to be as annoying as ever when interviewed now, Norman Cook seems a lovely chap these days. And a really interesting interviewee. Like, the method, the study, and hard work that actually went into his comedy goon brand of jolly music is striking. He really knew what he was doing. And created a lot of music that a lot of people really enjoy.
33. Take That - Babe. Little Mark Owen.
32. Chesney Hawkes - The One and Only
31. Mark Morrison - Return of the Mack
30. The KLF - 3 a.m. Eternal. Not their best, but everything to do with the KLF is pretty magical.
29. The Prodigy - Breathe
28. East 17 - Stay Another Day
27. The Chemical Brothers - Block
Rockin' Beats
26. The Tamperer featuring Maya - Feel It. Chimney etc...
25. Madonna - Vogue. Don't know if anyone else has ever suggested it, I'm sure they have, but Kylie Minogue should do a cover of Vogue where she sings "Kyliemin-ogue" instead of "Come on, vogue"...
24. Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger. Although this has become one of the Oasis songs I don't really like, what with Noel Gallagher singing and that, I remember the moment. I remember how it played at the close of Our Friends in the North, and that felt fitting and historic. But I think that might have been the point of no return for Oasis.
23. Take That - Back for Good
22. Celine Dion - Think Twice. Secretly loved it at the time, and liked revisiting it recently. Dion was really suited to the overpowering dramatic ballad, and I think those songs, like this and It's All Coming Back to Me Now, can be really fun.
21. Various artists - Perfect Day. I watched the video for this recently, and it's really sad. Lots of amazing people in it, and a lot of them are dead. Lou Reed, Bowie, Tammy Wynette, Shane MacGowan, Dr John. Actual cool people.
20. Christina Aguilera - Genie in a Bottle
19. The Shamen - Ebeneezer Goode. Ridiculous.
18. Tasmin Archer - Sleeping Satellite. The sweet sound of Pebble Mill. But i love it.
17. Shakespears Sister - Stay.
16. Beats International - Dub
Be Good to Me
15. Queen - Innuendo. Surprised by how well Queen have done here. Maybe I still love them after all.
14. Manic Street Preachers - If
You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next. Not the best Manics song, by any means, but holds up well, and it was pretty exciting when it got to Number 1.
13. The Verve - The Drugs Don't Work. And again, though I've no time for Richard Ashcroft and I found Urban Hymns generally disappointing, I have always found this a very moving song.
12. Shaggy - Oh Carolina
11. All Saints - Never Ever. I was still too set in my ways for All Saints when they were around, but their best songs are so great.
10. Blondie - Maria. When I get to the 70s and 80s, there will be much better Blondie songs, but it was one of the few fun things in the late 90s charts that this somehow got to Number 1.
9. Wet Wet Wet - Goodnight Girl. There's the theory that every band has at least "one good song". And this is that for me with Wet Wet Wet. I can't really stomach them the rest of the time. Probably a lot of people can't stomach this either. But I love this. My theory on it is that it plays to something Marti Pellow should have done more - being the villain in his own song. Rather like actors like Jude Law, who, though built like handsome leading men, are at their best when they're playing creeps, this strange-sounding record gives a depth to Wet Wet Wet which I just don't think they achieved most of the time. Fairground by Simply Red is in a similar vein, but I actually hate that, and do like a few other Simply Red songs.
8. The Prodigy - Firestarter
7. Baddiel, Skinner and The Lightning Seeds - Three Lions. Love it or hate it, and I do actually still like it, was the sound of the late 90s in Britain like nothing else ...
6. White Town - Your Woman. Just noticed the next three are all from 1997. In fact they're all released in the period in 1997 when I'm out of the country. I did hear this around Xmas 1996 - I did not think, when I heard it, it would be a Number 1, but sometimes these odd, magical, thinks happen.
5. Blur - Beetlebum. It's no accident that of the post-Britpop comeback singles on this list, Oasis's is right at the bottom, and Blur's is right near the top. This is the reason sensible people (me!) think Blur are a great band and Oasis are a sinking time capsule. Beetlebum is seedy, sad, but still memorable. The first three singles they released from 'Blur' were all, in their way, brilliant. This, Song 2, and On Your Own, the most Gorillaz-ish song Blur had released up to that point.
4. Hanson - MMMBop. Yes. Definitely.
3. Sinéad O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U. When you listen to this, you think that she could have had a hit with any song, but she didn't actually have another Top 10 hit in either the UK or the US.
2. Cornershop - Brimful of Asha. Talking of Norman Cook. I prefer the original version, but it is such a fine, sympathetic remix that made this a hit, losing very little of the original song but just making it something people could dance to. Cornershop are a great band - there's excellent stuff on all their albums.
1. Charles & Eddie - Would I Lie to You? Remains just a glorious, giddy, funny, perfectly made record. I don't even think it gets its dues. Charles Pettigrew died, Eddie Chacon now makes critically acclaimed, atmospheric soul music. Would I Lie to You? is one of the best song ever. There we go ...
I'm going to rank the 1980s next, then the 2000s. I think the standard will be a lot higher in both.
