I think I can do justice to Take That and its offshoots without trawling through lots of albums. Call it music snobbery, I think justice will be done.
Which is not to underestimate The That, one of the true phenomena of British pop music. They have never stopped overachieving and surpassing what their critics deemed them capable of. Their sales are vast, their influence is vast, they've even done a few decent songs.
I became aware of them pretty early on. I still remember it. Watching 'The Disney Club' on a Sunday morning in late 1991, presenter Andrea (daughter of Stan) Boardman reading a letter out from a fan saying she loved the new Take That song, could they appear on the show, only for the ruse to be (oh, the japes!) that the letter was from Andrea herself, as she was such a Take That fan, and they then performed their second single and the first to reach the Top 40, 'Promises', live. I was mesmerised by the awkward one with the bizarre spiky peroxide do. I don't remember the others but I'll never forget (ah-ha!) my first sight of Gary Barlow.
'Promises' was one of seven songs on their debut album 'Take That and Party' which went on to be a single - they were pretty ropey but the success grew gradually. I hated them from the start, I thought they were everything that was wrong with pop music. Looking back at my complaints, those were pretty innocent times - "They were put together by a manager!" Well, duh. "They're only successful because they're good looking" In later years, the number of boybands that weren't actually good looking made me long for Take That,"They don't play their own instruments ..." oh, goodness.
They established the boyband template which would haunt us for years to come, but they certainly did it better than anyone else - the talented one (we thought), Gary, the cheeky one, Robbie, the cute one, Mark, the background ones, Howard and Jason. The plan, masterminded by Nigel Martin-Smith, was genius. They toured the schools and they toured the gay clubs, they built a vast fanbase. They weren't just for little girls. Everyone loved them, the kids, their mothers, gay men and (believe me, this is true) the rugby boys in the public schools. They fuckin' loved them!
Take That were a Northern 90s phenomenon - ok, let's look at 90s culture in terms of three Manchester vs London, in all of which Manchester was victorious. Oasis vs Blur, Manchester United vs Arsenal, Take That vs East 17. Perhaps the last seems a bit unequal, but there was an attempt to put Walthamstow's finest on a similar level. They really were a rum bunch, weren't they?
'A Million Love Songs', gloopy monstrosity that it is, was probably the one which made people take notice - major currency was made of the fact Barlow had written it himself. Vocal duties began to be shared around a bit as the Number 1s started coming. I still hated them and refused to see any good. In retrospect, I've kind of worked out why. Call it coincidence, but my feelings softened when the 5 of Take That became 4, split up and was 4 on their re-emergence.
The fifth, the initial departee, Robbie Williams, went on to make melodic pop-rock, often guitar-based, with clear and humorous lyrics and big choruses. People might say to me "you like melodic pop-rock, often guitar-based with clear and humorous lyrics and big choruses, don't you? That must be right up your street". But no, giving proof to the fact that taste in music is about more than genre and sound, the music of Robbie Williams is not the music I like. It's the opposite. Ask me what I like and the truest answer is "Not Robbie Williams, not Lily Allen, not U2". He was really quite an enormous success but I find nothing more unlistenable. Perhaps the main thing is that I find his voice the least believable I've ever heard. I don't believe a word. (that was a Robbie Williamsesque rhyme). I prefer the Vengaboys.
His belief that in co-writing 'Angels' he'd ascended to the ranks of the great songwriters rankled a little with me at the time, but what do I know? It is the one song that is in the Top 10 songs for both weddings and funerals in the UK. All of us music snobs, that say this or that is just cheap and trite tat, we should think about that.
Anyway, if I rank my Take Thatters, Robbie's bottom. No great interest in Howard, put off by Barlow's Tory arrogance, so then there's little Mark and Jason of Orange. I suspect that, of the five of them, the one whose songwriting and musical outlook would most appeal to me is Mark's, but golly his voice was always reedy. And Jason? Yes, he's my favourite. Always was, really. I was outraged on his behalf when, at the 1993 Smash Hits Poll Winners' Party, he was the only Thatter left out of the top 5 of Most Fanciable Male. Really? Beaten by Barlow? The kids are cruel. Jason always seemed like the one who understood the absurdity of all, who reconciled himself to a life of making elegant man-shapes for a living, who learnt guitar and took time out to study. Gratifyingly, Jason's the one whose not a member of the Tax Avoidance Scheme which has tainted their good name in recent times.
Yes, it's a little bit Tainted That at the mo, what with that and a few more personal tabloid tales, but their comeback as a manband is, nevertheless, extraordinary. It was far from a foregone conclusion that they'd come back triumphant, and indeed, nearly every other pop band of their type, whether the Spice Girls, All Saints, East 17, 5ive, Boyzone, who've attempted to follow suit with the big comeback have been met by a big sigh of indifference.
Take That's comeback, like their initial breakthrough, was masterful. There was a documentary, which teased the return of Robbie, in which the four others just seemed really really nice, and then there was the comeback song, the one Barlow had clearly been holding back for just the right time for his big comeback - 'Patience' surely their best song, a proper, grown-up memorable song which has set them up for the next 10 years.
Robbie's come and gone again in the meantime, even contributing to a half-decent single, 'The Flood'. The tale is ongoing, with a new album on the way - they're the last boyband standing, even though Howard Donald is now closer to 50 than 40.
OK, so here's my compilation. I've taken into account everything I know by all of them. I can't judge Robbie Williams' songs objectively, i'm sure many of them are really well contructed pop songs, but I just can't stand it. And, you know, for all the praise they get, I only really think there's a small handful of genuinely good songs.
Pray
The Flood
Patience
Babe
Back for Good
Shine
Open Road - Gary Barlow
Rule the World
Candy - Robbie Williams
Four Minute Warning - Mark Owen
Could it be Magic?
A Million Love Songs
Never Forget
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