Song 10: White Light

White Light - George Michael

The late Bill Hicks did a routine I vaguely remember, probably in the late 80s/very early 90s, where he attacked George Michael as representative of faceless, bland corporate entertainment, as everything that was wrong with the world. Irritatingly, he called him George Michaels. If you're going to attack someone for being somehow fake, at least get their name right. And in this, the often spot-on Hicks missed his target. If he'd lived to see how riotous and plain wonky the life and career of George Michael would turn out to be, one hopes he might have apologised.

There's nothing bland about George Michael the man - the music, sure, occasionally a little tasteful, certainly not my cup of tea, but he's always managed to engender tremendous affection from the British people, for all his embarrassments and mistakes, and generally seemed a thoroughly nice chap.

This affection was probably never deeper than in 2011-12 when the Bushey wonder came perilously close to his death from severe pneumonia. Why, even my cold heart was moved by the statement he read, still painfully weak, in front of his house a few weeks later.

And yet, from all that good will, George has managed to blow it big time in a way that any number of average records and comical criminal offences never came close to. And 'White Light' is to blame.

Running quizzes, I look for different reactions, and if you have a good atmosphere and are in control of the event, it can be rather fun to stir up a little bit of outrage. And i've never engendered such universal outrage as when I ask the question: "What was the name of the new single George Michael sang at the 2012 Olympics Closing Ceremony?"

About 1 in 5 teams will get it right, the answers of the other teams will range from "Pile of Shit" through "Terrible Song", "Who Cares, it was Shit", "Shit sandwich", "My Name's George Michael, This is My Shit New Single" to far worse.

Now, the thing is, it may not be that bad, it's hard to remember. I should really listen to it again for the purposes of this post, but really life's too short. That's not really the point.

George made no apologies after the event, in fact exacerbated his error, by saying he'd played the song as a "Thank you" to his fans. It's apparently a very moving song about his near-death experience, but really, George, how foolish you were to think that a stadium full of 80,000 people with a TV audience of 100s of millions, at the end of one of the greatest celebrations Britain has seen, was the right place to thank your fans, however super they might be? By promoting it, you helped it reach Number 15 in the charts, rathen than, say 25 which it might otherwise have done. Worth it?

Worth it to lose 30 years of goodwill, worth it, George, to kill, stone dead, the Olympic Spirit?

The Olympics, eh? Remember them? They were good, weren't they? I have bugbears, I freely admit. My current bugbear, and this applies to the extremely wise and sensible people I love most in the world, is people who didn't think the Olympics were going to be good and complained about it beforehand before going something like "I don't usually like sport, and I thought it was going to be awful, but i've got to say, it was great, it really brought people together."

To which, if I was a rational, kind human being, I ought to say "Welcome into the Olympic family, my friend" but I don't, I mutter "Fuckers, no shit it was great! You don't deserve to have enjoyed it, you don't deserve the Olympics, you don't deserve sport. Sport is toooooo good for you!!!"

I love sport. I love the Olympics. I, unironically, think things like this (in case you want to gauge how much I love sport) - Sport is the best thing in the world. The Olympics, for its duration, is the single most important thing in the world. Sport is the ultimate purpose of society (sport and pop music, to be fair). I think those things. Just so we're clear.

I don't think George Michael thought those things. He thought the Olympics might be a good platform for him to promote his single and "thank his fans". He misjudged the context. He misjudged his importance to the whole shabang. So, to be fair, did whoever it was that allowed him to play his new single rather than saying "George, I really don't give a monkeys about thanking your fans, we'll kick you off the show as fast as you can jump unless you play 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go'". But no one was strong enough or smart enough to do that, so George Michael was allowed to kaput the Olympics and dull the euphoric mood of the nation in one fell swoop.

One allows an artist to play their new stuff at their own gigs, of course. It can even be a highlight. One tolerates it at music festivals, so long as they're a little sheepish about it. But at the "British jukebox" that was the Closing Ceremony? Hmmm ... this was not the time, George, for your Stravinsky Rite of Spring, Bob Dylan Goes Electric "I'm going to a new space and time, fans, and I don't even care if you come with me, cos this is the future!" moment.

Aah, White Light. When they ask you, years from now, when did it happen, when did all hope really die, you'll be able to answer with absolute certainty.